Let’s face it.
My attention span is less than 15 seconds.
If what you’re saying isn’t going to help me do something awesome that will make my life better immediately then it’s a waste of my time or I better have a beer in my hand.
That’s just me… but I imagine a lot of people aren’t interested in wasting time screwing around and learning the old way, through PERSONAL trial and error.
But guess what. You don’t have to! Because if you aren’t hearing what you need to you can click a button on your computer and read/watch/mentally ingest something else!
Well I know that. That’s why I’m going to tell you exactly what I’d teach a guy if he asked me this often asked (and very intelligent) question:
“What is the BIGGEST mistake you see guys making with women… and how do I do the OPPOSITE?”
Well! The first part is pretty simple. The second part of that question could be a book! In fact, it IS a book!
(*insert shameless obligatory book plug here*)
So… What is the BIGGEST mistake I see guys make when chatting up women?
The answer: “Turning Their Chest Toward A Woman When They’ve Just Met Her.”
You might be thinking… “WTF does that mean?”
And I’ll tell you. In the beginning of an interaction with a woman, there are a lot of things that are going through both the guy’s head (upper) and the girl’s head.
From the guy’s perspective most guys are thinking, deep, deep down, “I hope she doesn’t reject me right here in front of everyone.”
But what they should be thinking is, “What would I be thinking if I were her?”
The truth is, most of us are so inside our own heads hoping to NOT be flat out slapped for saying, “Hi, I’m so-and-so.” Well, in my 6 years of being a professional dating coach and in my 8 years of full time study/practice/screw ups, I can tell you that I’ve never once been slapped in the face. Kind of bummed to say that! Because I really pushed my limits as much as I could. Hell, I’ve walked up to some girls I didn’t know and said, “You’re hot. I’m hot. Let’s get together and have hot babies.” before and all I got was either a laugh and funny look or a laugh and a smile/”who are you?”
So, what’s so important about NOT facing someone with your chest then? Well, women are thinking something a little different from guys in a bar. Most of them aren’t worried about being rejected (at least not by anyone who looks like me).
They’re afraid that you’re going to be 2 things:
B) Creepy and standing there talking to her for an incalculable eon while every attractive and confident man walks by and thinks that she’s unavailable and doesn’t talk to her for the rest of the night after she’s finally given you the slip.
Quite a different internal monologue going on that the one we are used to as men! But the reason why this is so different is partly due to Gender Roles and partly due to what are called our “Mechanisms.”
Most men measure their success, and other men’s success with women by how easy it is for them to approach an attractive woman they don’t know.
This is called the “Approach Mechanism.”
But women don’t have this! Instead, they’ve got something that serves their purposes a bit more. It’s called a “Filter Mechanism.”
What this means is that most men feel it’s necessary, and their greatest discomfort/fear/nightmare is, to approach attractive women. Period.
And most women want to be able to tell the difference between a douchebag who is approaching her and an awesome/ACTUALLY attractive man that is approaching her.
Problem is, most women don’t know how to filter out the actually weak men because the weak men of the world have plenty of time on their hands and they have figured out how to fake most of the qualities that women are trying to find in a man.
Sucks, but it’s true.
And most women are left to rationalize why he has NO REASON to be so insecure.
“Well he shouldn’t be so jealous, he owns a bar!’
“He sure is insecure for a guy who I just saw on stage.”
And my personal favorite,
“He was SO sweet before I slept with him!”
Yeah… There’s a reason why he was.
So, what does all of this have to do with NOT turning your chest toward a woman? Well, in the beginning of an interaction we subconsciously know, even if we don’t act like it, that people aren’t to be trusted. During what Malcolm Gladwell would call our “blink decision” (the moment we see someone/something for the first time) we take in all of the body language cues we can and ignore almost everything else. Women know to trust man’s body language for a source of truth.
When you face s woman directly with your body when you’ve just met her you’re saying something horrible with your body language. You’re saying, “Hey, first off let’s me say that I really want you to like me. I also don’t believe you’re going to. So I’m going to make it very clear that I want what you have under your clothes. That way if you’re feeling drunk/slutty/desperate enough, and since I’m wearing you down by hogging all of your attention and taking away all of your other options here, you’ll HAVE to take me home with you and my friends will see it happen… which is really important to me. So, what do you think??”
Well that might be what’s going on in your head and I’m not one to tell you what’s right or wrong but… it’s wrong.
Women would actually much rather that you said that OUT LOUD.
I know it’s not one of the best pick up lines in the universe…
But it’s at least HONEST.
But I’ve got a bold and absolutely true statement for you:
Pick Up Lines Don’t Work.
Body Language Does.
So what do you do instead of facing a girl directly? Well… let me tell you.
Because, as men, we tend to realize that the stage right before we’re getting laid is when we’re zoned in to solid rapport and it seems like you’re the only guy in the world she’s thinking about, we try to JUMP STRAIGHT THERE so we can get to the “ass getting stage” faster. You’ll face her completely with your body. You’ll talk to her about prying personal topics that still allow you to stay protected and safe. You’ll buy her a drink and ask her if she wants to go someplace else. But hey, it doesn’t work. I don’t care what they show you in the movies.
What DOES work is this:
In the very beginning, no matter how hot she is, never face her directly with your body as you’re talking. It may take you a little while to get used to this and you may be awkward at first, but it’s completely worth it. Instead, try to face her so that your shoulders and hers make no more than a 90 degree angle if viewed aerially… Ok that’s a little complex…
- Stand Like This -
Keep an eye on how much you’re leaning in to her when you talk. I don’t care if you can’t hear her. Have her lean toward YOU instead. And if you’re afraid she can’t hear you, speak up, jackass! (said lovingly as I’ve had all of these problems myself to a romantically debilitating extent)
Don’t have a real conversation unless you’re trying to NOT attract her very much. Jumping straight to the content part of the interaction is, again, trying to get to the connection stage too soon. It projects neediness. Neediness = no attraction. No attraction = no social life. No social life = World of Warcraft for the next 16 hours straight… I think… Instead of having a real conversation, use banter lines to have a sort of super light-hearted conversation while you smile and hint at how arrogant you are (remember… this is done in a JOKING MANNER… if you’re serious then it’ll blow up in your face like a cartoon cigar).
That’s it! If you want to know more about Banter Lines, and which ones work, body language women find attractive, gender roles, and confidence, grab a copy of my new book, “The Tao of Badass” – You can get some free instructional videos by clicking the “Get Free Videos” button at the top right of this page.
Try this shit out. It works. I’ve been teaching it for many years.
Your brother from another mother,